Sex in midlife can seem like a whole new game, and if you’re also dealing with menopause symptoms like low libido, fatigue, irritation, vaginal dryness, and painful intercourse, you might not even feel like playing. The good news is, there’s a lot you can do to get back in the mood: medications, hormones, and therapy can support your physical and emotional comfort during this time, which is crucial. If plain old disinterest is keeping you out of the bedroom, though, consider trying our favorite unconventional sex tip: learn about your sexual desire style.
Plenty of books, movies, and tv shows would have you believe that the ideal sexual encounter goes something like this:
- After a few meaningful glances, you’re both turned on and ready to go at exactly the same time. Foreplay? Who needs it!
- No one is preoccupied with mental to-do lists or worries about whether you closed the garage door or remembered to set the garbage bins out.
- Every position—and you try many—works flawlessly, like your bodies were custom-designed to fit together just right.
- No one’s ever too tired, too full from dinner, or self-conscious about their body.
- You and your partner finish in perfect unison, without fail.
- This level of sexual synchronicity stays the same for the entirety of your relationship and you both want it all the time.
It makes for steamy media, but many people find that scenario laughably far from reality, especially in midlife, as sex drives start to change for all kinds of reasons.
Hopefully you’re not losing sleep comparing your own encounters to that fantasy version, because there are plenty other realistic ways to have a healthy, satisfying sex life. But if you’ve been frustrated lately, it’s time to get acquainted with the concept of different sexual desire types.
A brief history of research on sexual desire styles:
First things first: our sex drives are not static, and libido is not just determined by hormones, though they certainly contribute. Lots of other factors influence a person’s individual desire and readiness for sex.
In the 1960s, sexuality researchers perceived sex as a straightforward sequence of events: desire occurs, arousal and stimulation follow, and the natural conclusion is orgasm and a cooling-off, or refractory, period. Basically, desire comes first, then action, then satisfaction. Simple, right?
It’s not exactly the whole story. Other researchers like Dr. Beverly Whipple and Dr. Rosemary Basson found that many people’s experiences didn’t follow this linear progression. Those folks needed to get warmed up first—that is, they didn’t feel the desire for sex until some type of physical or emotional stimulation had already taken place. Their urges kicked in as a response to pleasurable intimate contact.
What we now understand is that types of sexual desire effectively fall into a couple categories: spontaneous and responsive. It’s worth noting that some people relate most to a third category, “context-dependent desire,” in which desire fluctuates based on what’s going on in your life: sometimes your desire is more spontaneous (vacation sex, anyone?), other times, like during periods of stress or illness, it might behave more like responsive desire.
In this article, we’ll focus on the nuances between spontaneous and responsive desire types.
What is spontaneous desire?
Think of spontaneous desire like an out-of-the blue craving: “Ooh, sex sounds good! I’m ready, let’s go!” Simply thinking about and anticipating sex is enough to get you hot and bothered, which then motivates you to seek initiation and satisfaction. This is what we’re used to seeing in many Hollywood depictions of sex, which has left plenty of people with the impression that a healthy sex drive means you’re always raring to go on short notice, and it just happens “naturally.” You don’t need to do much to get in the mood—the mood just strikes!
Spontaneous desire is a normal way to experience a desire for sex. People with spontaneous desire may initiate readily and often, but could be disappointed if their partner turns down the invitation or doesn’t reciprocate with their own initiation as frequently.
What is responsive desire?
Responsive desire is less of an urge, and more of a reaction: “Sure, I’m open to this. It’s nice to be close. Hey, that feels pretty good…okay, now I’m turned on.” This form of desire revs up in response to consensual, pleasurable input: kissing, massage, even just talking and lying in bed together can activate arousal and interest in moving on to more stimulation, in the right contexts. People with responsive desire often say they have great sex, but it just takes a while to warm up.
If you’re someone who usually experiences responsive desire, you may not feel the urge to initiate sex often, which can contribute to longer-than-planned stretches without intimacy, partners feeling distant, and shame over not meeting the culturally widespread standard of what desire “should” look like.
Responsive desire is also a normal way to experience a desire for sex—and in fact, it’s a very common one for people in long-term relationships, especially women.
Why does the difference between spontaneous desire and responsive desire matter?
It’s helpful—and if you ask us, pretty important—to understand the different sexual desire types because too many people worry that that they’re flawed or broken if they don’t experience spontaneous desire. Let’s put that myth to bed.
There’s no right or wrong desire type, and one is not better or inherently sexier than the other. Understanding the nuances between responsive and spontaneous desire, as well as some of the things that can contribute to your individual sexual readiness, can be a helpful way to make sense of your sex life in midlife if you’ve been experiencing low libido.
It’s also important to talk about desire types with your partner, especially if you have mismatched sex drives (ie, one partner wants more sex than the other does). While that’s certainly possible, another possibility is that you have different desire types—you might actually both be happy to have similar amounts of sex, but one of you feels spontaneously turned on more often and the other doesn’t feel that urge until you’ve started canoodling. It’s a subtle distinction between libido and desire types, and often one that gets a little blurry, but it’s worth figuring out your patterns if you want to understand your desires better.
Do you have the same sexual desire style for life?
Your desire style can change over time, as you age, as your hormones change (especially during and after perimenopause), and as you reach different milestones or shifts in your relationship. It can also become more context dependent during various stages of life, like parenting small children, menopause, or caregiving for family members. “New relationship energy” at any age often sparks a more spontaneous desire style—excitement, hormones, attraction, and novelty can influence your interest in sex.
That’s one reason responsive desire is so common for people in long-term relationships; as you get more familiar, settle into shared rhythms, and the curiosity about intimacy with a new partner wears off, those spontaneous “can’t keep your hands off each other” urges can fade and your desire type can shift even if you still enjoy the sex you do have. This is not a bad thing, but since our society doesn’t speak frankly about this topic, it helps to understand how responsive desire works and how you or your partner experience it so you can continue to have great—maybe even better!—sex.
Other ways to think about sexual desire styles: enhancers vs. inhibitors
Once you’ve got the difference between responsive and spontaneous desire down, you might find it helpful to explore the concepts of “accelerators” vs “brakes” in the bedroom. In her book, Come As You Are, sex educator and author Dr. Emily Nagoski uses these terms for the brain’s desire enhancing or inhibiting signals to help people understand the complex factors behind libido, arousal, and how we experience pleasure.
Here are a few ways to think about sexual accelerators vs brakes:
- What gets you going in bed vs. what turns you off
- How much time and what kind of stimulation you need to warm up vs. what kind of inputs can slow you down
- How likely you are to be “put off your game” by distraction or interference in the bedroom (like the phone ringing, or the dog pawing at the door) vs how readily you can get back to the action if you’re interrupted
Your individual accelerators and brakes can influence your overall sexual desire style and affect how you experience sex on a case-by-case basis. Someone with a sensitive accelerator might be very reactive to a sexy scene in a movie or a memory of an especially hot date night and be ready to bound into the bedroom from that alone, whereas someone with a less sensitive accelerator may not share that same urge. They might still enjoy the stimulus, but it won’t be that “step on the gas” impetus that makes them want to have sex.
Similarly, a partner who’s going through a prolonged period of stress, uncomfortable physical conditions, body changes, or hormone swings (*cough* menopause *cough*) might not be interested in sex for some time because those factors have put their desire brakes on in a big way. Even accelerators like foreplay may not be able to ease the brakes in this case, which doesn’t mean something is wrong with you—it usually just means you’re in a period of low desire.
Desire inhibitors during menopause:
Everyone’s accelerators and brakes vary, but there are a couple of inhibitors that are especially common during the menopause transition: vaginal or pelvic pain, with or without intercourse, and fatigue from lack of quality sleep. If sex hurts, your brain’s going to have an awfully tough time helping you get in the mood, and if you’re too exhausted to function thanks to night sweats and menopause insomnia, you probably won’t be interested in staying up late for extracurriculars.
If these concerns are affecting you (or your partner, if you share a bed with someone going through menopause), know that you’re not necessarily stuck with them. A menopause-trained OBGYN can identify the cause of pelvic pain, whether it’s due to vaginal atrophy or another condition, and suggest appropriate treatment, which may include medication, lubricants, or a course of pelvic floor physical therapy. Sleep issues and fatigue can be addressed too—cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT-I) is an effective, evidence-based treatment for insomnia, and menopause hormone therapy and lifestyle shifts can provide relief for other complaints, like hot flashes, that can interfere with a good night’s sleep.
Can you change your sexual accelerators vs. brakes or your sexual desire style?
Though your sexual desire style can change in response to any number of things, making that shift isn’t typically something you can do through sheer force of will. You can’t just decide to be someone with spontaneous desire if you’re usually not, or tell yourself that your desire brakes don’t exist if they really do bother you (nor should you have to).
So if you want to change your desire style because you think you should, consider a reframe: Sex doesn’t require a spontaneous start to be enjoyable, intimate, or downright erotic. The point, as many sex researchers, educators, and therapists emphasize, should be pleasure.
That said, if you want to learn more about your desire style to have more satisfying sex and have never unpacked these concepts alone, with a partner, or with a therapist, here’s some inspiration for getting started:
Ideas for navigating mismatched libidos and different desire types in midlife:
Try doing a “desire audit” either alone or with a partner, where you reflect on your accelerators, brakes, and desire styles. There are so many ways to do this:
- Dr. Emily Nagoski’s book Come As You Are has supplemental worksheets and questionnaires designed to help you understand your own enhancers and inhibitors and how to create more contexts for enjoyable sex.
- Vanessa Marin, a licensed psychotherapist who specializes in sex therapy, offers quizzes and guides to understand your desire type and initiation style.
- If worksheets or guides aren’t your thing, even sitting down and talking about what you find sexy in a low-pressure, relaxed environment may shed some light on your desire style, especially if you’ve never shared these thoughts with your partner.
Schedule sex: We know. Scheduling sex is frequently suggested and frequently resisted, since many find it hard to let go of the notion that it should happen organically, without planning or discussion. That’s a spontaneous desire mindset (which is okay), but scheduled sex can actually be a wonderful way to work with responsive desire, especially if both partners enjoy sex and want to have more of it. Planning regular sex can help you prioritize intimacy and connection, lessen emotional hangups around spontaneity (or the lack of it), and even allow for a longer, playful buildup to create the right context for a fun, pleasurable experience. It’s something to look forward to, after all.
Foreplay: If the sex you’re having in midlife feels the same as it has for decades and you’re, well, a little bored, focusing on foreplay can go a long way. Responsive desire kicks in once sexual stimulus is underway, so don’t overlook the wind-up. Foreplay is a great way to try new things to introduce a sense of novelty into a long-term relationship and can be an enjoyable way to approach some of the changes menopause introduces, like shifts in libido and reduced vaginal lubrication. Take your time and enjoy!
Medication: Low libido in women doesn’t always mean that you have responsive desire; inability to reach arousal or feel pleasure from sex can have numerous physical and psychological causes. Medication may help in these circumstances; there are FDA-approved medications like Addyi and Vyleesi designed to help boost libido for women who have not fully reached menopause yet. Menopause hormone therapy may also be an option for women dealing with decreased libido, vaginal dryness, and painful sex during and after menopause. See an OBGYN with menopause experience to find out if medication would be right for your concerns.
Sex therapy: Introducing a third party into your sex life isn’t for everyone, but there are times you might find it tremendously helpful. A licensed therapist or mental health counselor who specializes in sex and relationships can share tools for talking about intimacy with your partner, working with your individual desire types or mismatched libidos, understanding sexual trauma, and navigating the interpersonal challenges that can come along during midlife.
And finally, please talk to a healthcare professional if something doesn’t feel right; your doctor may want to evaluate your hormones, perform an exam if you’re experiencing painful sex or pelvic pain, or screen you for FSIAD (Female Sexual Interest/Arousal Disorder), a disorder characterized by persistent disinterest in sex and/or trouble with arousal that causes emotional distress. Book an appointment with a menopause-trained OBGYN.